A Taste of Life

My worst fears are life and death. Death is understandable, many people fear the end of their existence. But to be scared of life is horrid and I do not fancy the idea of me being a coward. It is so uncertain and leaves me with so many questions, that I know I am responsible for answering on my own. The same questions that are always there, there in the back of my mind and distract me from my studies. What will become of me? What lies beyond my parents’ front door? Will college take me or am I doomed to live in poverty with a job I do not enjoy? I am so frightened and the thoughts come and go more frequently. I figure they have increased because my initiation to that unknown is just on the horizon, so close I can almost taste it. It terrifies me and has for the longest time. I remember as a toddler, I would have random outbursts. From the backseat, my mother would all of a sudden hear my sobs and exclaiming that I did not want to grow up. I have no idea if that is unusual for so young a child. But these thoughts have been with me for so long that I know nothing but doubt. I know I am not alone with my worries, others share them. But there are people who do not have a share and I envy them for that. I yearn to be carefree, despite its foolishness. Then there are the less obvious worries in my shameful fear. A worry such as being alone for the rest of my life and I don’t just mean romance. My friends know what they want to do and have colleges in mind. Some of them have known from young ages. I am still not so sure of what I want to major in or even a career. I think I want to be some kind of writer but that is yet another uncertainty. I am not sure I will ever fit in anywhere or find a place in this crazy world. All of my friends are different from me and I wonder if I am an outsider in their eyes. Sure I share a common interest here and there, but is it enough? I have so many questions and doubts, that I am certain (for once) that they may never leave me. Well, sorry to burden you with the crazy labyrinth I like to call my head. I promise not all my blogs will be so glum, its just every once in awhile you have to vent. Until next time, poppets!