Hmm....

So I have been trying to figure out what to say since my last post because my world has slowly started to crumble around me since then. Everyone keeps on telling me that nobody cares for me and my already low self esteem is just eating it up. Even my own mother told me that my family has nothing to do with me and wants to pack up for Rhode Island to follow her dumb ass, abusive boyfriend. What kind of mother picks a man over her child? A bad one. She is selfish and only thinks of herself. I hate risking the chance of sounding like a steriotypical high school senior but I can't wait to move. Even if it is to my dad, sister, or cousin's house. As long as it isn't under my mother's roof. I am sick and tired of not being to do anything right in her eyes. I am too sarcastic, fat, not happy enough, too loud, not a lady, can't clean, and the other blah. I am tired of having to be the responsible and sensible one in the house. I clean up their messes all the time but not for much longer because I am almost 18 and can't wait. Sorry to vent.

Why! Oh why!

Ah school starts soon and I am dreading going back. Okay I will admit to a little excitement but I hate tests, homework, and papers! I know, I know. Yada yada it's a part of life and blah blah blah you have to grow up but I don't wat to just yet. This is the part where I wish Peter Pan would come rescue me and wisk me off to Neverland. Ack!There is one good thing about school starting soon.... Can you guess it? No. Okay I can't handle the suspence anymore. It's NEW CLOTHES!!!!! Ah, I love new clothes and I love creating my own goofy style. It is so much fun! I think that I may even have an addiction to clothes! Hey at least its not drugs. Anyways I am off to see my cousin because because the wonderful things she does! *giggles at lame joke* Later, poppets!

A story I started...

It is still a little mysterious but it is still just a begining. Oh and I should warn you it is kind of creepy.......


No!!!! Please not my family!!!! My words were lost in the howling of the wind and other shouts. I struggled to get free of the burly male that held my bound arms behind me. I tried to wiggle out but it only resulted in blood and rope burns. The man laughs low and rough at my silly attempt. His breath mad me wrinkle up my nose and actually stung. He laughed at my pain watching my youngest sister and father being brought to the stake. Tears started to spill from my eyes watching my family being lined up for their execution.
My mother and I spared for purposes that I am too disgusted to even think. They tied little Rose to the stake and spill the gasoline on the hay. She was screaming my name and her gorgeous, green eyes were wide with fear. Her round little face was splotchy from the tears and her blonde curls started to matt to her face. I was frozen in terror as I watched them torch her. I was paralyzed and couldn’t turn away from her. My father shouted next to her and I could hear my mother’s muffled screams from the house.
Rose’s screams finally ceased and now it was father’s turn. I started to turn away but the man roughly turned my face towards my family. “I don’t think you want to miss this.” He whispered roughly into my ear. My mouth opened to scream but nothing came out. I watched my father die in frozen terror. I wriggled and the screams escaped my mouth after a few minutes but I couldn’t free myself. The man started to shake me but his voice started to change.
“Ellie, wake up! It’s just a nightmare.” It was my friend, Nana’s voice. I woke up watching her frightened face hovering over me. Her dark brown eyes were sympathetic as she wiped the sweat from my forehead. “Shhh, its okay. Please be quiet. One of these days you are going to wake them and we will be done for it.” She said in what was supposed to be a comforting voice but I could hear the fear that she was trying to hide. My nightmares scared her and usually reminded her of things that she was trying so hard to forget. Though there was something different about our nightmares. They were real and had actually happened.

My dream journal!

I have started making my dream journal. I am not finished with some of the images to your left. I am so excited! It is so much fun. I reccomed to everyone!

Sorry, I just feel numb.

I'm numb.
I cannot feel anything.
I cannot react to anything and I most certainly cannot love.
My mind, body, and soul are malfunctioning.
I break, break, break down silently.
All the king's horses and all the king's men don't even attempt to fix me.
I am a misfit, an outcast, and a leper.

I crawl into a ball and lay on the ground.
She is not there to help me back up.
She sits at home crying.
She isn't thinking of me as she sits there solemnly.
I realized a long time ago that she brought me into this world.
But I never thought she would be my reason out of this world.
I am lost and I am alone.

Maybe this weakness makes me like her.
I have tried so hard not to turn out like her.
But its so tough and I am so weak.
My depression is draining all of my strength.
I have been watching all of it slowly go down the drain over the years.
I am almost out and I am finally caving into it.
Turning into your parents is inevitable.

What is youth?

What is it about youth? The best or worst time of your life. If it is so bad then why do people crave it? Sure every one loves to be a child or just act like one but then why do they say they would never want to go back to that time in their life. Thats not even the part that makes my head cock sideways and cross my eyes because then they something that leaves me stumped. They don't want to grow old either tossing out my whole theory of them wanting to keep moving on. So if you are afraid of death you are afraid of life? Society anymore honestly just leaves me baffled. I mean our society wants to look young but not be young and to be frank no one is ever satisfied. God put us here for a reason and I am sure we knew what he meant at one time but some where over the years we have definitely lost sight of it. Then again I like to believe he gave life for a good cause. He wanted to see all the good that can come of things and watch us find out for ourselves what is the right thing. Instead most people need others to help them along in life. We no longer no how to grow on our own and fight for what is right. Anyways I have no idea what I am talking about and plan on signing out...Later poppets!

Breaking Dawn Release Party!

Another volume of Stephenie Meyers Twilight saga released at 12 am today and you can bet your butt I was there in line to buy it at midnight. The local Borders held a party to honor the saga's newest release and to humor the silly fans like me. It was fun but packed and I mean packed. If you wanted the book you had to get a bracelet with a number and wait in the line in order. My cousin and I were numbered 445 and 446. It was an unbelievable wait and the most boring part but when I held the book in my hand finally it no longer mattered how long I had to wait. I was giddy with joy with the added bonus of a nice sketchbook on sale. So now I have the book that I have been waiting about a year for and I am going to start my first sketch diary. I am excited! I got the idea from my bestest pally wally! Her blog is Alexandra of Avonlea, she talks about hers too! Anyways I leave you with this message: Don't drink an icky smoothie with a lot of caffiene and wait in line for a hour at midnight because there may be serious consequences. I speak from expierence. Ha ha. Later Lovetts!